photo CC courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/tillwe/38356334/
We all know the idea of “follow your inner voice” or “well what does your tummy say” after all that is advice that is passed down again and again in families. BUT what about when that inner voice tells you that Uncle Bob is not someone that you should hug? Followed immediately with your mom saying “Don’t be shy! Go over there and hug your Uncle Bob.” When it comes to teaching youth to follow their inner voice, we often cut that message short or ignore it all together in an effort to be polite or nice.
What message are we then teaching the little ones? Trust your inner voice unless it will make someone uncomfortable or unless it is impolite – is that really the message we want to be sending? After all in life often standing in our own truth is not always comfortable.
As a child gets older there will be many times that peer pressure alone will encourage them to ignore their inner voice. Perhaps the child knows the rule of never getting in the car with a driver that is drinking, and maybe the inner voice is screaming NO! – but all the friends are saying come on don’t be rude, don’t make a scene; just come on! So when we want to teach a united message of living authentically and listening to our heart, or our tummy or … do we really want it diluted with polite, nice and well behaved?
What if instead you are headed to Aunt Lilly’s house and you have the talk on the way – it is ok, you do not have to go and hug her, just be polite and use your manners. But once you get in the door Aunt Lilly scoops up the child and takes her off to the kitchen to give her a present.
It is complicated isn’t it; trying to think of all the different places in your life where you need to balance trust, love, lessons, manners, safety and so much more. Trying to set an example and do it right while leaving the space for another to walk their own path.
What we do know is that when it comes to children that are sexually abused approximately 30% of the perpetrators are relatives of the child and around 60% are “friends” of the family, babysitters, or neighbors. Only about 10% of the cases are from offenders that are strangers. (1)
So we know for a fact, that in the case of child sexual abuse, the majority of threat comes from a person you know, and allow to spend time with your child.
Now that we have a very real threat in mind, do you look differently at the idea of listening to that inner voice? Your voice or the voice of your child – the actions and the words and even the body signals.
We often think that listening to our inner voice is a valuable tool, and at the same time we treat it like something that is over-reactive or can be ignored with a stronger will.
So what kind of tips will assist you on your path, and as an example to youth and others? One is to be authentic with your feelings, honor them and explain that is your reason for a decision.
An example could be – I am just not feeling comfortable about this camping trip over the 4th of July, so no I am not going to come. I do hope you have a good time though. Then follow through on honoring that voice and the choice that you have made.
When it comes to children often it is best to talk to the other adults in their life and let them know what your parenting goal is and how they can HELP you to make sure that the child will have all the tools they need later in life to stay safe and honest with themselves.
Once you get started you will see it is actually easier then it first seems and you will probably be pleasantly surprised at the support you do have available from the other adults in your life.
References
(1) Julia Whealin, PhD – National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, US Department of Veterans Affairs.